mmm hmmm

A couple of days ago I was feeling frayed. Like my ends were coming loose. So very blah. And I'm glad I just chilled and hung out and forgot about everyone and everything to let myself settle. Because now I feel settled and it's a good feeling.

Anger still takes me by surprise. I don't seem to know the source of it, but there are moments that I freeze in anticipation of my inner bomb just blowing me to smithereens. The anger fades to bewilderment. And I try to figure out what the hell just happened.

So, I re-read the entry from a few days ago and marvel at how sometimes the moments resolve themselves. Like Saturday morning's breakfast meeting with the department. Once we got over the awkwardness of being together, we fell into our old conversations and had some very creative time together. And exercising that creative piece of me felt so good, so liberating and so free. It felt like the barriers between me and the guys was melting. We needed to bond like that, to shuck the crap from reaccreditation and do something about teaching--the things we love--history. And the creative juices were definitely flowing. We haven't collaborated like that in a few years. Now we need time, time to flesh out our ideas. Time to figure out how to rein in our ideas and make them applicable.

I took Thursday off. Early in the morning I have a doctor's appointment, a check-up. I am terrified because my chest has been aching and not the costochondritis gnawing pain, this is different. After that, I have therapy. After therapy, it's lunch with MW. After lunch, I have an eye appointment with a new doctor. Well, new to me. He's in practice with the fathers of some of my other/former students, which seems weird. Why do I dread bad news? I'm sure there's not a thing wrong with me. But this is the time of year, last year, that things derailed. I'm better, I'm better, I'm better...

We had a guest speaker at school today. Talking about Developmental Assets. As I sat in the audience, I realized that I am a much better speaker than either of those ladies were today. Their message was flat and not very memorable. Nor was it inspiring. Too much being talked at, not enough making us think. One line they said was to think of your teachers as Johnny Appleseed (which prompted my question--do kids even know Johnny Appleseed?) and to thank them for planting the seeds of knowledge in you, for being there for you. And, nicely, after the presentation, three boys came flying at me for big hugs. And they thanked me for being there for them.

And that makes it alllllllll worthwhile. I get so much more than I give.

what if this is as good as it gets?