mmmmassage

Today was massage day. Ahhh, what a wonderful treat. I don't know what keeps me from having more frequent massages. The massage therapist, Shannon, said I was an ideal client because I am expressive for what feels good and that I relaxed well.


Part of that was because I coached myself into enjoying it. I almost canceled the appointment. Because I don't like my body right now. In fact, I hate my body. I hate that I have regained all of the weight I worked so hard to lose, I hate losing muscle tone, I hate my flab, I hate, detest, despise my body. Now, before the choir of replies, let me explain: I know a lot of the weight gain and lack of exercise is due to the pulmonary emboli and costochondritis. I know I am physically limited and how can I exercise when I've got such serious medical conditions? I know part is from the medication. I know it, I know it, I know it. But knowing it doesn't mean accepting it or liking it. And I don't like it. And I can't wait to get back to doing what makes me feel well. Like eating lots of fruit and working out. So, ok? I get it!


At first, as I disrobed and clambered up on the table, I felt self-conscious and tense. Physically, I felt as though Shannon would think my body is repulsive. But when she came in and we talked some and she got started, made myself relax and enjoy the massage. I let her pull the tension from me. As she massaged parts of me that I hate (like my upper arms, ankles, knees and love handles) I let go of the hate. I realized that I am grateful that my body works, that I will be better again, and that I owe it to the parts of me that I don't like to honor them. And it actually felt good to have those parts massaged. My ankles have never felt so good!


I don't even know how to fully explain my epiphany. But I made peace with my body. Who knows how long this detente will last, but for now, I feel like me. Not like fat me or like thin me, but like me. As she massaged me, realized that I don't have to be my own enemy. When she finished and I was getting dressed, I even got out my journal and wrote a bit about how good I felt and how I want to remember that.

I felt so relaxed and happy when I was done, it was just what I needed. Hopefully I won't wait so long to have another massage, now that I know how cheap they are ($50 for an hour!!) and how nice the salon is.