Part of that was because I coached myself into enjoying it. I almost canceled the appointment. Because I don't like my body right now. In fact, I hate my body. I hate that I have regained all of the weight I worked so hard to lose, I hate losing muscle tone, I hate my flab, I hate, detest, despise my body. Now, before the choir of replies, let me explain: I know a lot of the weight gain and lack of exercise is due to the pulmonary emboli and costochondritis. I know I am physically limited and how can I exercise when I've got such serious medical conditions? I know part is from the medication. I know it, I know it, I know it. But knowing it doesn't mean accepting it or liking it. And I don't like it. And I can't wait to get back to doing what makes me feel well. Like eating lots of fruit and working out. So, ok? I get it!
I don't even know how to fully explain my epiphany. But I made peace with my body. Who knows how long this detente will last, but for now, I feel like me. Not like fat me or like thin me, but like me. As she massaged me, realized that I don't have to be my own enemy. When she finished and I was getting dressed, I even got out my journal and wrote a bit about how good I felt and how I want to remember that.
I felt so relaxed and happy when I was done, it was just what I needed. Hopefully I won't wait so long to have another massage, now that I know how cheap they are ($50 for an hour!!) and how nice the salon is.
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