I need a nap

I had to go to school today to work on grades. Totally not a fun way to spend a Saturday afternoon, but with the program problems and the glitches and the bitching that will go on, I figured I would get as much done as I could today... to be ready for Monday. We'll see how the best laid plans work out.

I think the school was warmer today than it's been in weeks. Even though the blower wasn't on, there was heat. My room used to feel like the third circle of hell until the custodians got hyper-excited about it and did something weird, which makes the room icy. I could see my breath on Monday, last. The student teacher even whined and complained about it. I think that's a bit ballsy as it was her first day and she doesn't know much about me.

Anyhow, I'm wiped out. Completely exhausted. I need a nap. It feels weird to nap in the evening, though. I always think I should just go to bed. But I'm not ready for bed, I'm ready for a nap. Naps are good.


I know part of why I'm so tired is because if the emotional roller coaster I'm on. Hormones, medications, near-death experiences, OCD, denial, guilt, shame... all of it. I did sit down and write the most difficult email I've ever written to my family, to explain where I am and what's going on with me. I am waiting to hear from them-- so far Dad has emailed some wonderful words of wisdom and support. I just need everyone to know that I'm not a danger to myself. Trust me, if I was suicidal I would have done it by now. But I know I can feel better and that I will eventually feel better. Chronic pain is so tiring. There is no escape, no distraction. Dad said he thought my sisters would have a very hard time reading the email, it was raw and powerful. But it's me. Hopefully, when I see the doctor next week I will get some answers and maybe set up an action plan for pain management.

And it might mean taking a sabbatical. Who knows. We've kicked the idea around at lunch time but I am uncomfortable with it. Maybe I just don't know enough about it. But the stressful environment is really taking a toll not only on me, but on all my colleagues. We're all so stressed out that there is no one to ask for help without increasing their burden. Bah. I think the Union is looking into some action. They seem to think there is some grievable stuff going on.

It's hard to explain to people outside the education field. But my job is actually to teach children. What they're demanding from us is not enhancing my performance as a teacher. Nothing I'm doing outside the classroom right now is at all helping me become better at what I already am good at. It's frustrating. In my experience in the work world (which hasn't all been in education), people generally have a system in place so that while the worker is focused on a task outside their job description, they have time to work outside that description. But not teachers. I'm expected to do my job and do all the outside stuff. And I don't think getting paid more money would make it any better, although I will save my rant for how poorly teachers in Northern Maine are paid for some other time.

I think, now that I'm wound up... I will listen to my new John Legend CD and take a bubble bath before napping.

What if this is as good as it gets?