Whining rant

Today the pain set in.

Three hours in the ER (I was lucky enough to get through there in just three) later, I'm told that the clots are scarring over, as if my lungs are cocooning them. Uhm... yeah, so the lining of my lung is being pulled from the lung wall. OUCH! No one told me it would hurt. Holy jumpin frog legs... to go from no pain to something like this dull ache...*sigh* The doctor said, however that I am not really being a weenie, that this is fairly intense pain, chronic until the scarring is complete.

Now I get another major drug to take. I'm really nervous about it. What if it makes me sick? I can't even imagine what that would do to me. The thought of lurching around trying not to vomit... What if I really like the drug? Oy, a whole other scenario. Obsessive thinking isn't really so handy when you're working on staying calm.

And there was the joy of a Sweet Sixteen birthday party for my sweet niece. Such a special day and I put a slight damper on it by not being there for most of the party. I'm glad we spent time together last night, picking out the gifties, so she knew it wasn't an intentional slight on my part. Put on a non-grimacing smiley face and have a piece of cake. I hate this drama.

I mean... I like a certain level of attention, but I had no idea I would be under this kind of scrutiny. I didn't expect people to pull their car over in the parking lot of the supermarket to ask how I'm doing--people I don't really know seem to have an awful lot of intimate details about this. I hate how ungrateful I feel but I don't want flowers or fruit baskets or balloons. They don't cheer me up. I don't want to have to entertain or explain or convince anyone that I don't feel any pain, I don't have symptoms that you would expect for golf-balls in my lungs. No symptoms means no symptoms. The faces that people make... I want to shout, "Don't you people understand? No symptoms means no symptoms! As in NO SYMPTOMS!!!"

It did make me chuckle when the ER Doc came in to give my lungs a listen. Once again, someone expected wheezing or some kind of indication of fluid building up or something. Glad to disappoint, there, doc. He was very patient and explained everything so I understand it. Maybe not in the most technical terms but I have a much better idea what's happening in my body and why it hurts.

Making all these adjustments to my life is complicated. Who knew taking the trash out would exhaust me? I can't believe how tired out I get at the simplest thing. Maybe I should have asked for a handicap tag for the car for the next couple of weeks or something. I am not able to park far from the store as my habit is. This still feels so unexpected to me, I'm having a hard time processing. I know I'll get used to it and regain strength and stamina and will bounce back, it's just so odd, so sudden.

I needed to vent, to rant and to whine. What if this is as good as it gets?