Out of the blue...

Dad is home, has been home since Thursday and is doing well. He's got a test of some sort tomorrow to make sure there is no more infection but otherwise he's just surprised at how tired he gets. He scoffed when told it would take a week for each day in bed, to recover strength. He had three days... I had seven. Yeesh.

This past month has completely turned me upside down and inside out. Truly. To use the expression that things have come out of the blue is to understate. To say unpredictable or anything else is to sell it short. As I sit here with my issues about having issues, I am being hard on myself for having fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of wanting to try something new and different, fear of opening myself up, fear of letting something that could be wonderful slip away, fear of being hurt, fear of hurting someone else, fear of being afraid.

Thinking about timing and about how life unfolds in its own fashion and wondering if things do really happen for a reason, then when do we know what that reason is? In the moment or when the moment has passed? I feel like every day is a wake up call and I'm waking up. Waking up and wondering why I'm still afraid and if I really am afraid. Is it something else?

Is there a great cosmic lesson?

What I have figured out is that there is no time like the present. If I wait for life to slow down then I'll be waiting for a long time. Life never slows down. What I'm doing happens to change but not the fact that things happen. So, if I wait, why am I waiting? Soon enough, school will start and I'll be caught up in the preparations for that and getting to know students and finding myself back in the groove of the busy life of a high school teacher. I'll be with my friends and with students and life will continue. And in the meantime, waiting is making me crazy. Why wait?

Life is busy and stressful and crazy but if things happen for a reason, shouldn't we take a chance and go with the opportunities in front of us? What if the opportunity slips by and what I miss is the best thing that might ever happen to me? What if someone special slips by because we're both too busy to try? That could be the great tragedy. What if we give it a go and it doesn't work out? Would my fear of being hurt be any stronger or weaker because we tried? What if the fear of being hurt hurts me more than taking a chance and getting hurt?

So, the thinking cycles around and around and around. And uncertainty, fear or whatever it's called is making me wonder if an opportunity will be missed. All because I was too busy, too stressed, too whatever to stop and realize that things happen for a reason. And the choice is whether to let the reason unfold and try or let the lesson pass me by and maybe wonder... if this is as good as it gets?