roller coaster

Today's the day that shit got real. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Let's start with the stupid shit--winter is upon us. The temperature has dropped to the low 20s, it's windy, and there are snow flurries. I dressed in jeans, fleece and a puffer vest to run errands. I might even have to resort to socks as bare feet in mary janes are getting uncomfortable. Less stupid shit--financial stress, although there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have to hang tight until I get to that end. It stresses me out, even though I know there is nothing I can do now. Stop spending, yeah, I can try to do that. More of the less stupid shit--school politics. No way to avoid the workplace drama. I've been pressed to choose a side (although that sounds way more dramatic than the situation calls for), anyhow, this stupid shit at school is taking my eyes off the prize so to speak. And then there's the big shit--my colleague of 20 years is retiring because his cancer treatment needs more concerted effort than he can give while teaching. He had planned to retire in June so he's moving up the date--but this isn't how he wanted to end his 38-year career. Our department has been together for 19 years, so this is a genuine blow. Although we sometimes got on each other's nerves, he's still a big brother figure to me and I'm so sad to see his room emptying out of all the memorabilia he's collected through his career. It's disconcerting. His prognosis is good, but the stress of school won't help him.

The supreme shit, however, is Dad. I've been in total denial since he got his prostate cancer diagnosis. He began undergoing daily radiation two weeks ago. Last Saturday, when we went out for my birthday celebration dinner, he wasn't "on" and it occurred to me that he's an 80-year-old man going through radiation combined with hormone treatment. He's an actual physical being. And he's not going to be feeling his best. Shit got real. No more denial. Shit got real.


The Gal Herself said...

Oh, Kwiz, I am so sorry about Dad! You two are so close, it's completely understandable that it would take you a while to fully absorb what is happening to him. And it's so painful when "shit gets real." It's hard to imagine a parent as dimensional person. I know. So has anyone who has walked this path with a parent. My heart goes out to you.

Losing your "big brother" probably isn't helping, either. I bet there's a lot of cancer conversation swirling around you -- and it does have its own vocabulary -- and that must weigh you down, too.

Oh, and money! Oh, and office politics! All of this can sap you. Hang in there, Kwiz.

Me, Myself, and I said...

I feel you. My Dad has been battling prostate cancer for some time. He's done the radiation, he's done immunotherapy, he's done hormone therapy. That is a beast of a disease, and he now has it in his bones. He says he doesn't have any pain. But he is a fighter, so now, at almost 80, he's doing chemo. It breaks my heart to see him without hair, to talk to my Mom about the future. But I continue to see him in my mind's eye....10 feet tall and bigger than life. So, if I have anything to say, it's that. Never let go of the 10 feet tall Dad. Much love, Kwiz, and many hugs. I feel you.

Cat. said...

I'm catching up and just read this.

I wish i could give you a big hug and tell you it'll all be ok, but I'd be lying. It sucks when the petty stuff hits at the same time as the Big Stuff. Be gentle with Dad, be gentle with you, and be the best person you can be in the moment.

Hugs hugs hugs......