It's time to start processing out of therapy and I'm in deep, deep denial. I can't imagine what it's going to be like to not have the structure of therapy running through my life. I can't imagine what it's going to be like to not have the support and challenge in my life.To think of all the hard work I've done and how far I've come (which sounds cliché, doesn't it?) . It's hard to remember how I felt when I began this journey, how scared I was of everything all the time. It's draining to live in fear and I'm so happy that part of the path is behind me.
Learning to live with (and accept the diagnosis of) OCD was liberating. And somewhat terrifying: now it has a name. Now I have to do something about it. How interesting to have irrational fears and to know they are irrational. Waking up in the middle of the night with some odd, bizarre terror and talking myself out of it has become a new hobby of sorts. Luckily, I can laugh. I know it's OCD, I know it doesn't make sense and I know it's not real.
I'm still trying to decide what to do next: do I continue on with another therapist or do I continue on my way. Dr. Lisa said she would support whichever decision I made as she's pleased with my progress, too. And I lean to getting a new therapist because I don't want to have a crisis and try to find someone new. Although, who said I'll necessarily have another crisis? And when I was in crisis last time (suffering from flashbacks from a student threatening my life), I found Dr. Lisa. And that has certainly worked out well.
Denial is just a river and for now I'm floating along.
2 comments:
As someone who has spent more time on the couch than anyone with the exception of Woody Allen, I understand your pride tinged with diffidence. The progress you have made was undoubtedly difficult and to have taken courage. But the idea of either leaving your therapist or staring with a new one … that's got to fill you with apprehension. When I turned 50, it suddenly dawned on me that this meant my shrink must be over 60. What happens to me when she retires? She jokingly reassured me that she can't afford to retire.
I am so proud of you, Allison. Accepting OCD and succesfully dealing with it makes me respect you even more.
If you should ever need me, I'm a email away.
You are one of my heroes.
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