lotsa stuff...

Lotsa stuff to process today: therapy was fairly intense as we delved into the repetitive thoughts that race through my head all day and all night. Sometimes I wish I had rituals, so I know it's actions that are crazy instead of thoughts, which somehow seem more insidious. I mean, I don't know how to turn my thoughts off, or how to change the subject in my own mind. I suppose it is improving, though because at least I can identify some thoughts that are far-fetched. Like the house burning down thought that I have during any bad storm. Or, someone randomly walking up to me and stabbing me. That's gotten much better. It's hard to differentiate between real thinking and obsessive thinking. I mean, I worry constantly about terrorism--and there is a terrorist plot uncovered in London just in time for the Concert for Diana and Wimbledon! Yeah, I know I don't live there... but that's the irrational thinking, feeling justified.

Another area we're working on in therapy is connecting with my feelings, especially anything that is considered negative. I'm good with joy, happy, fulfilled... not so good with disappointed, depressed, lonely, bored. I just shut down, or as I like to call it, freeze. I freeze, and I like to use that word because it's neither good nor bad, when I think about doing new things or taking a risk (like applying for a job or moving, or even taking a trip by myself). And they're not negative situations, they're just... I don't even know. That's the crazy thinking. And I'm talking about me, so if I want to call it crazy thinking, I can. You can't call it that, but I can. Capice?

And then today was also the arrival of my family. Yup... we're ALL together. Twelve people descended upon us this afternoon (well, ok, ten people and two dogs) and there is going to be lots and lots of commotion. And I worked on a couple of skills in therapy today, to help me cope when I feel overwhelmed. I also identified some trends--like "hiding out" by playing with the kids instead of having adult conversations... Anyhow, I've been so excited about my sisters and their families all being here and now they're here.

Tomorrow should be nice weather (in the 70s at least) with some sunshine: just in time for the big family party! Dad's 70th birthday wrapped into a friends & family gathering. My sisters and I are supposed to act as hostesses but all I really want to do is sit and look at them and talk to them. I can't wait until we have some sister time to talk and gossip about each other. I mean, that's what we do. And it's going to be different this time, for me, at least. I think they are prepared for me to be very honest and raw... and open with them about everything that's going on, gone on, and how I'm really doing.

Imagine, a year ago I almost died. And now my big complaint is that my hair is turning more gray and I've gained about sixty or seventy pounds--partly because of medication--but I will say my brother in law told me that I am looking very well. So that made me happy. Just knowing that I look healthy instead of crazy or like my body will explode is a boost.

Sometimes it's hard to explain my family dynamic. But my sisters are the people who've lived through the same experiences, we have a frame of reference, common grief. They are my best friends. Even though I have other friends, I still feel the magical pull of sisterhood. And I know I am lucky. Very lucky.


what if this is as good as it gets?