because sometimes...

Today has been ... well. I don't even know where to begin.

I have a mantra: I need to accept *her* for who she is and not who I want her to be. (and yes there is a *her* and she shall remain nameless, unless you know me really well and you already know to whom I refer)

Right now, my mantra isn't working.

I had an argument on the phone tonight about something that was trivial. And I know the argument wasn't really about the trivial thing. Now I'm stewing about the argument and everything surrounding it. I feel like I'm going to vomit and I have so much anxiety.

Some people can push my buttons like it's their job. Why, oh why, do I let it get to me when I know, I know, I know, that the argument isn't really about the trivial thing? But the argument is with ME because I can stand in for the person who really needs to be fought with.

Dear *Her*,

I know the argument we had over trivial thing was about something other than trivial thing. I know. I understand where you're coming from, I have compassion and I feel for you. You know I'm here for you in any way I can be. But you also know I can't solve the real problem. Arguing with me about trivial things isn't going to allow me to help you with the real issue. And if you push me too far you won't have me to help you when you really need a LOT of help and support and love when it gets tough.

Boundaries that I set are to protect our relationship, which is important to me. Boundaries that I set are how I can best help you, by making sure I don't carry your concerns with my own, because right now I can't handle more added to my own load. There is nothing in the world wrong with taking care of yourself by making time alone. You're setting a much better example to show *them* that it's a good thing to do than to pretend you aren't falling apart at the seams.

So, please stop picking at me. Please stop treating me like I'm am not capable of taking care of myself. I've lived by myself for a long time and I am capable of it. I know what ingredients go in a salad. Please stop using me as your excuse to leave. Please tell the truth to yourself about where you are going and what you are doing. Mkay?


1 comment:

Mrs. Chili said...

Yikes. I don't even like the sound of this. Good luck, really; if there's anything we out here in the ether can do to help, just say the word....