blah

It's been a frustrating couple of days. I had a lot of anxiety in anticipation of Group this week. It's hard to have apprehension and still want to be open to being productive. I've seriously got to work on being afraid of situations like that. I mean, part of it was because I thought there would be a major misunderstanding... which is exactly what happened... and I didn't want to get into all of that.

Mostly, I felt like I had to explain that when I speak, I say what I mean. For instance: if I make a generic comment, it's a generic comment. It isn't about anyone but me. Part of what happens in Group is that they are a bit... quick to jump to assumptions. They assume that when I say something I'm talking about something specific, instead of making a general observation or asking a question just to ask a question. Oh, no, there has to be some deeper darker meaning.

I guess that's part of what I need to work on, though. Learning not to react the way I do when people misconstrue what I say. Maybe I'm hyper-sensitive about it because I am so careful to choose my words when I'm at school. I get in the habit of saying exactly what I mean the way I mean it. Ah, I don't know... what I do know is that I had a LOT of frustration and I allowed it to spill into anger. And it was ok. I did ok with being angry.

How come women aren't socialized to deal with anger? How come anger is such a male emotion? It's too bad, really. But that's a whole other rant.

Anyhow, I just feel blah... like what I am saying is nonsensical. I really hate when I am talking in an important setting and I am not being heard.

In our department meeting this morning, we were talking about creating the AP syllabus to propose to the school board. It seemed to me that it had already been decided who would be teaching the course--when I said I wanted to teach it and have been saying that since we first thought about offering AP. I asked if there was a meeting I missed where we decided who would be teaching it.

I feel dismissed. I feel like I'm not being taken seriously. And it pisses me off that there is such a holier-than-thou attitude. That really has GOT to go. Maybe tomorrow at breakfast I will broach the subject gently. Maybe not. That isn't really an appropriate forum for that kind of conversation.

It's getting harder and harder for me to hold my tongue around KB. Seriously. It is so hard for me to accept him for who he is instead of who I want him to be. I have to get that mantra back in my vocabulary... especially if the department thinks we're going to put together a literature connections class and incorporate some lit into our units.

So... to wrap up: I am feeling very frustrated at school--as though I am considered the joke of the department. I am feeling very frustrated at Group--as though I am some kind of foreign being that talks but makes no sense. And part of it semantics, I realize that. I guess that's about all.

On another note, my face is almost completely healed. I think it's looking much, much better. Any scarring will be so light, it won't even be noticeable, I don't think. Certainly not disfiguring.

What if this is as good as it gets?