still haven't found it... what is it?

I spent some time today with my friend MW who's having a terrible time of it lately. She's in a complicated situation. A definite "shit or get off the pot" situation. I had no words of wisdom for her. Nothing inspiring to say. Not that I don't have opinions and thoughts--just... well, one trait of my personality is that when I make a decision, I make a decision and stick with it. Not to say she hasn't made decisions, but she is waiting on other people to make decisions and feels trapped in limbo until everyone has made decisions. phew!

I'm too independent and stubborn to be in a relationship. I think I came to that conclusion this afternoon as we were driving on the back roads from Mars Hill home. For as much as I moan and groan that I hate having to be responsible for every little thing that happens in my life, I don't know that I would comfortably abide by someone else's choices. But.. that's neither here nor there.

We had a long conversation about my therapy assignment. Yes, that same assignment that I couldn't complete last week is still hanging over me this week. I am not sure why it is so hard to figure out how I feel. I know part of my reluctance is that I don't want to answer the question wrong. Not that my feelings would be wrong, but that I wouldn't answer the question right. Uhm, yeah, it makes sense in my head. I know my feelings are fine, they're mine and what not, but I'm not worried about the feelings themselves, I'm worried about not answering the question correctly. I don't know what other words to use. That's where I am at.

How many feelings are we supposed to have at one time? What if they are contradictory? Why is it so difficult for me to own up to how I feel? There's an element of uncertainty--that if I name it I have to work on it. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know that I'm not ready for that. I just don't know. And that, naturally, contributes to my overall uncertainty at the assignment.

Part of me is relieved... so very relieved that my health crisis is over. It is managed and over, done. Part of me is so angry that this happened to me. Part of me is ashamed about things I have no control over. Part of me is loving and accepting--wanting to hug myself and keep myself safe. Part of me wants to run away and join the traveling show (not the circus as I hate elephants). Part of me wants to experience everything on a deeper plane. Part of me wants to isolate. Part of me wants to be surrounded by people. Part of me wants to be all by myself.

Soooooo... confusing.

Without a doubt I am physically feeling better. Without a doubt. I have so much more energy than even a month ago. It is amazing.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for--in so many, many ways.






What if this is as good as it gets?