Flirt Like a Pro
By Emily Battaglia, LifeScript Staff Writer
Monday, January 29, 2007
Queen Elizabeth I drove men mad in the 1500s. Marilyn Monroe reigned in the 1950s. What made these women so irresistible? Was it their beauty, their brains or something more? Flirting guru Susan Rabin, author of Lucky in Love: 52 Fabulous, Foolproof Flirting Strategies, One for Every Week of the Year (Plume, 2005), shares secrets guaranteed to turn any wallflower into a full-fledged flirt anywhere, anytime. Plus: Take our body language quiz…
Lighten Up
Stop taking flirting so seriously! It’s not a game of seduction, a competition to garner the most male attention or a ruse to score that second date. In fact, forced flirting can lead to dating disaster.
“Flirting is done without serious intent,” says Rabin, director of the School of Flirting®, a traveling workshop where singles mingle and learn the art of flirting. “When you’re desperate and needy, it shows.”
Keeping it light and casual takes the pressure off, too. One of the biggest obstacles to flirting is overcoming fear of rejection. (What if I don’t look attractive? What if I say the wrong thing?)
Before you even begin batting those eyes, resolve not to take rejection personally, Rabin advises. “My favorite four-letter word is ‘next’!” she says. One failed flirting encounter is hardly the end of the world. It’s merely permission to move on.
Read My Body
When it comes showing your interest in a guy, body language speaks louder than words. According to the Oxford Social Issues Research Centre (SIRC) Guide to Flirting, 55% of a first impression is based on appearance and body language. “Your first encounter is usually non-verbal,” says Rabin. “And women throw off the signals first.”
Your goal is to make yourself approachable. Rule #1: smile. Rule #2: make eye contact. To initiate an encounter, the SIRC’s Guide to Flirting suggests holding his gaze for longer than a second to show that you’re interested. But don’t overdo eye contact; you might make him uncomfortable.
Pay attention to your posture, too. Orient your body toward him and, if you’re really feeling flirty, mirror his body language. “Imitation is the greatest form of flattery,” says Rabin.
One word of caution: Keep in mind that men often mistake friendly flirtation for sexual flirtation. So unless you’re in the market for a fling, use touch sparingly and keep some personal space between yourself and the object of your flirtation.
Tune In to Turn On
It’s easier to smile and bat your eyes than it is to keep a conversation going. But you can’t be a full-fledged flirt if you can’t converse.
Start with what Rabin calls “QCC”: question, comment and compliment. For example, a guy in a bar offers to buy you a drink. Ask him an open-ended question (avoid “going nowhere” questions – those that elicit yes or no answers).
You: How long have you been here for?
Him: Only about 10 minutes.
You: That makes sense. If you’d been here longer, I definitely would have noticed you much earlier.
SIRC Guide to Flirting recommends striking up a conversation rather than flirting heavily, which can make you look like you’re trying too hard.
No idea what to say next? “Male egos need to be stroked,” says Rabin. Figure out what type of guy you’re flirting with. Is he a laid-back music fan or a serious, straight-laced banker-type? If you can’t get a read on him, you’re probably violating the Golden Rule of conversation – reciprocity. In other words, you’re “talking too much and not listening enough,” says Rabin.
Personal problems are conversation killers, so leave them at home. Negativity and whininess are among the worst flirting errors, according to Rabin. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, find something nice to say,” she advises.
Steer clear of “I feel” sentence-starters; use “I think” instead. “Men want to talk about more practical things,” Rabin explains.
Such words also save you from getting too personal. Men don’t want to hear about your relationship hopes. Nor do they want to debate controversial topics like politics or religion, even if you deem it playful banter. “Flirts are very charming, never rude,” says Rabin. Remember to keep it casual and fun.
Already Taken?
Will flirting with other men make you more attractive to the guy whose eye you’re truly hoping to catch? Sure, says Rabin, as long you don’t prolong it or make it too overt. After all, “we always want what we can’t get,” she says.
Rabin doesn’t see anything wrong with extramarital flirting – as long as your husband gives the thumbs up. Better yet, flirt with your hubby. “Just being charming and playful adds a little something to the marriage!” says Rabin.
Remember, even flirting pros get no’s now and then. “The singles world is full of rejection,” says Rabin. Don’t let it stop you from maximizing your flirting potential.
For more of Susan Rabin’s flirting advice, check out her website, schoolofflirting.com.
Do You Speak Body Language?
You're back in high school, and it's three hours past your curfew. You slink into the house only to collide with your mom in the living room. Her crossed arms and tensed jaw tell you she’s livid. Your days of getting grounded may be long gone, but being able to read body language is a skill you can use for the rest of your life. Even when you're silent, your body reveals a lot about your mood and inner thoughts. Do you know what kind of signals you're sending? Take this body language quiz now.
Here are my Body Language Quiz results:
You sometimes get tongue-tied when it comes to body language cues
You know some of the more obvious body language signals, like if a friend walks far ahead of you it means she's mad. But a lot of the subtle points still slip through the cracks. Don't worry too much about learning all the rules and memorizing which signals mean what. To clue in, it's just a matter of paying extra attention to the person you're with, as well as being conscious of your own signals. Also keep in mind that when you're studying someone's body language, you shouldn't analyze every move they make. Body language is meant to be viewed in context.
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