I rented a couple of movies for tonight... The Break-Up with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn and Click with Adam Sandler I hope either one is good... there were a ton of choices but I went with the comedies.Now all I need is someone to cook for me. I haven't had much to eat today because I just can't seem to figure out what I want, so it's easier to not eat. Yeah, I can hear the choir of angels nagging me all ready but... hey... it's complicated. (I know I need to eat, yeah, I know it.)
I helped Dad put together a twinkling snowman lawn ornament this afternoon. He really cracks me up. Just has NO patience for doing anything mechanical like that. He asked where I thought I got the knack... I guess it's from Grampy, I donno. I just love putting stuff together. Perhaps I missed my true calling? (I think I just cracked myself up--is it totally crazy to laugh out loud at the computer screen when I'm all by myself?)
Tomorrow is the beginning of the final count down to Christmas. I just ... am not at all ready. My posting date to Italy has come and gone and not only did I miss sending the packages on time, I didn't even buy any gifts. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Although, I have to give myself a bit of a break--I did fight bronchitis/pneumonia last week. Anything to avoid another hospital stint. So, I guess next week, at some point in time, I will click the mighty click and send a bunch of e-certificates to let the Italy crew shop online for themselves. Because... otherwise, it ain't gonna happen.
And I beat myself up soundly for not being prepared, for not being the perfect sister/aunt/sister-in-law. More so than anyone else would even think of beating me up. And it didn't seem to take this time. I'm not all internalized and churning in my guilt, imperfection or anything. More like I just don't give a shit. I haven't even been riding around looking at holiday decorations or lights or anything. This just isn't like me.
At least I'm not anxious about it, or about anything to do with the holidays. This passive feeling is more relaxing than the total melt-down I had two years ago when I was subpoenaed to court two days before Christmas. Now that was a nightmare. No, this year I have a gentle feeling of the holidays are swimming past me and I'm standing in the stream of consciousness... watching the colors swish by and... not caring.
It's hard to explain. I don't know if I have the words for it right now. What if this is as good as it gets?
1 comment:
Ali, even Rick took me looking at lights...I just mailed Friday to Italy...crossing my fingers on that one. It will probably end up soaked like a few of my packages have.Hey at least you've had snow. I had my windows open today while I cleaned ahh.
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