family party time

Tonight was the family party--everyone gathered at Dad's and we had yummy food (the cuppa-cuppa-cuppa dip & sammiches) complete with a Christmas sing-a-long. It was fun. I felt a bit bad for my sister, I can see it's hard for her to create meaningful family moments when she and her husband are separating. It must be confusing for the kids. Times like this, though, make me feel very lonely for my other sisters--one in Pennsylvania and one in Italy. I miss just relaxing during this rush-rush season, to just enjoy being together.

But it was nice spending some time together. And funny how we love and know all the old familiar songs. I wish I felt a bit better. I'm so tired I can barely function. This medication is really taking a toll on my body, mind and spirit.

I don't know how to explain why I don't feel well, either. I just am ... tired. I haven't felt tired like this since I had mono when I was in high school but I am a zombie. Maybe between the doctors we can get something figured out. I want to enjoy the holidays; maybe this isn't going to be my year, though. Is it weird that I don't care that I haven't done any shopping? I just... don't care, can't seem to muster any feelings at all. I can't imagine that I'm not beside myself with guilt or worry but I have no feelings about it.

I'm glad we took the time to get together tonight, it was relaxing. Rachel is soooo excited, she was bouncing. Maybe it was the four pieces of peanut butter fudge she ate? This will probably be her last Santa year. That makes me feel sad. I love Santa and believe in the spirit of Christmas.

My full tummy and I are waddling to bed now... what if this is as good as it gets?