this is to have succeeded

This quote reminds me of me, it captures my hopes and dreams almost exactly.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning and will still be taking the coumadin. I had such hopes that today would be the day I got to stop taking it. No such luck. I am very disappointed. January will come soon enough... I hope!

And, I did gulp before I said anything, but we're going to start treating my OCD symptoms. I was amazed that my doctor could put her finger on how it manifests in me. She knows me well. At this time, she didn't suggest a psych consultation. We're going to try medications but if in two weeks' time there isn't some improvement, then we'll discuss the consult.

After that doctor, I had therapy and was able to process a lot of what's going on. Like "the letter" I wrote to my family and how they are responding (or not responding) to it. Interestingly enough, I have no expectations of how they would/will respond. I don't know how I would have responded. It was a good session. And I don't have a laundry list of small gripes, they are actual, legitimate gripes. My focus now is going to be practicing saying either "I am not able to do that at this time," or "I am unable to do that" without sounding defensive. We shall see how that little experiment goes.

I wish I felt back to normal. Have I ever felt normal? I guess maybe normal isn't the right word to use. I just wish I was back to me without all the internal drama. Without the internal pressure, without the chronic pain, without the anxiety, without the medications.

But thank you, Emerson, for so eloquently reminding me of my hopes and dreams. I want to laugh often and much... and all the rest of it.

what if this is as good as it gets?