It's the end of Break. Time to get back into the grind--I mean groove--of school. Break went so fast I'm not sure I even enjoyed it. Lots of workshops and work at school which was productive... but I kind of resent doing it during a vacation. I suppose there really are just so many hours in the day and work needed to be done and all that happy horse crap.It'll be interesting to go back. I wonder if the recent incidents of school violence will impact our own school security? And I wonder how the students feel about the recent violence. I had a bit of a breakthrough in therapy during this time. I was able to watch the reports and sympathize and empathize but didn't internalize what was happening. Such a big deal even though it sounds small. With my OCD issues, I didn't have obsessive and compulsive thoughts about my own safety or my ability to keep my students safe. I watched the stories and felt so terribly sad for all the families and victims. When I watched the Colorado incident I focused more on how orderly the students were loaded on the busses and how things seemed so calm during the storm. It made me think of how I hold myself together so tightly and then collapse later.
But the main thing is that I am not afraid. I am not ruminating on harm coming to our school. Not feeling the tense anxiety that a year ago almost crippled me. I feel like things happen and things happen and more things happen and I can only do what I can do. And it comforts me to know I will do what I can do. And I am not afraid.
I tried to explain this to someone the other day and they just didn't seem to get it. I felt like I was being dismissed. I mean, here I'm being vulnerable and talking about one of the biggest issues in my life that left me with a serious case of post-traumatic stress disorder and I say I don't feel afraid anymore. You'd think there would be some acknowledgement... some... something. But I felt dismissed. And it made me not want to confide in anyone anymore.
Hard work and more hard work, patience and hope are making me feel better. I almost feel like I enjoy what I do. Almost. It's been such a long time since I enjoyed anything that this is a big unfamiliar. But, I'll get there.
What if this is as good as it gets?
2 comments:
That's an amazing breakthrough, sweetie! Congrats!
I remember the first time I purposefully went out after dark following the attempted carjacking. It was quite a moment, but I didn't know who to share it with. Silly me! I should have told you. :)
Love you!
You're right, you should have shared it with me.
Love YOU!
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