Why am I angry?

Let's see... hmmm... why am I angry? I donno, actually. In therapy this week, I mentioned that I felt crabby and that I would like to be crabby to people. Unfortunately, I'm really not able to be crabby for long. I may snap once or twice during a conversation but I just am not programmed to be a crab.

Therapy revealed that I am reacting to my near-death summer. Going from near death to "you're fine" in the space of a few months would probably cause anyone to have some wild emotional reactions. I'm just being normal. But it doesn't feel normal.

I know I need to confront someone on their poor behavior. It probably will be totally out of the blue for that person; but, I need to clear the air. To express that I am really disappointed. I mean really disappointed. And hurt. I don't think this has been just an OCD thing, either. I think my thought process is rational and that I have been done wrong.

I don't know if it's easier for me to say that I need help or that I have been hurt. What the hell kind of toss up is that?

It's also difficult for me to express anger. I'm not sure if this is a broader sociological thing--that women are expected to not have anger, or if they have anger to not ever express it--but, in talking with my girlfriends this weekend, they all seem to be in the same boat. Typically when we get angry, we cry. Women will understand that the tears aren't just wimpy reactions, that they have a powerful punch. Men will not understand. At all. Interesting. Also, my girlfriends mentioned that I've held it together very well through this whole ordeal. One friend said she was very proud of me for taking care of each decision and going one step at a time all by myself, she didn't think she would be so strong. I didn't think there was a choice, but... that's another rant.

So, I'm going to work on anger issues in therapy for a while. I need to process it and get it out of my system. And speaking of system, I am sure that a part of my anger is hormonal. My body is still adjusting from the lack of hormones. And I've been eating for crap lately--skipping meals or eating ice cream (damn you Ben & Jerry!).

As per my therapy homework... here is the grand list of things that make me crabby right now:

1. The weather--it is unusually, unseasonably cold and the leaves are falling too early, where has the sun gone?
2. My first week of vacation was eaten up by workshops and reaccreditation stuff.
3. My feelings are hurt and the person who hurt them needs to know how shitty this is.
4. I forgot to balance my check book and may run out of money by pay day... darn $800 car bill and rent at the same time!
5. The total bill just for the week of hospitalization was over $22,000. Just for the hospital room. Everything else (meds, blood work, etc) is separate. I have to pay about $700, and I know I have no right to be angry because I have insurance...blah, blah, blah... but holy moly!
6. I am angry that I am expected to make all the decisions and then am second-guessed by well-meaning friends/family.
7. Finally, I hate that I put a lot of pressure on myself. I don't know how to change that. Maybe I'll work on that after anger. Maybe not...

Maybe angry isn't the right word. Maybe it's something else. I do know it isn't all about being in control and being angry at things that are out of my control. I think I've found my zen about that. I can only do what I can do, after all.

What if this is as good as it gets?