The old band-aid dilemma

I've been thinking about the old dilemma--what's the best way to remove a band-aid? Is it best to give it a good rip, causing the shock of pain and trauma -or- is it better to slowly, gently peel back, pulling tender flesh with it?

I think for today it's best to give it a good rip. Here goes:

This summer, out of the blue, I met a wonderful man. We clicked. We had great, fun, thrilling all-night phone calls. Great chemistry. Much laughter. Lots in common. Similar values and beliefs. Similar taste in music and movies. It was intense. It was butterflies and tingles.

And I was ready. I was excited to grab his hand and step over the edge into the free-fall of a budding relationship. With all the drama of my health scare add to the mix his own drama of a new job, ending a job, moving, children, and ghosts from the great beyond, equaling the timing was not right for him.

As school started again and I resumed my life and routine, if somewhat revised and limited, I thought we would be working on the timing together. To find the rhythm of our relationship. I wasn't rhythmically banging a drum, though, I was banging my head into a cement wall. And I had to think about what's fair to him. Is it fair for me to wait on him changing his timing? Is it fair for him to maybe feel guilty knowing our relationship is what he needs it to be as opposed to what I want it to be? Would it be easier for me to hear that it isn't that he doesn't want a relationship at this time or that he doesn't want a relationship with me? Yeah, I think it would be easier to hear that he doesn't want a relationship with me. At least it's definite. I wouldn't leave myself hanging around, waiting for him to sort out when he is ready.

Today I woke up and realized I want to free him from my feelings. I want to free myself from feeling bad that this isn't working. There is nothing else I can do to make it work. It's time to rip the band aid off. Time to toss it into the trash, maybe give a little poke to see how much it hurts. And it doesn't hurt the way I thought it would. Not saying it doesn't hurt, but... not how I thought it would.

For as much as I hoped and wished it would work out, do I want to be in a relationship with someone who's not as excited about it as I am? Do I want to be in a relationship with someone I've waited for? How about I march on to the beat of my own drum? Maybe someday another drummer will pick up the rhythm and we'll have fun banging a gong and getting it on, but maybe not.

Now I can be syncopated or four-four, three-four or whatever time I want.

And I'm ok. I know I didn't do anything wrong, wasn't too clingy or needy. Nope, I was the strong, independent woman I am, I didn't hide my light, didn't pretend I am not as intelligent as I am. No games. Just me. No blame, nothing like that falls back on me. I'm not questioning what I could have done differently to make him want to be with me. I'm really accepting the fact that... it's time to move forward. And I'm strong enough to move forward by myself. No worse for wear.

So, before I started writing about this and deciding if I wanted to write about this, I thought how I would support a friend going through the same thing. I would remind my friend how wonderful s/he is, how valuable s/he is and how the other person may one day regret not taking the free fall. I would ask my friend if s/he was open and honest with the other person, if s/he played any games and then gently remind that sometimes it has everything to do with the partner and nothing to do with her/him.

I was my own friend today and said all those supportive things to myself. Do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? No. Absolutely not.

Here's to ripping band aids off! I release thee, I release thee, I release thee. That wasn't so bad after all.

When the tenderness heals, it might be as good as it gets.